My Top 10, All Time: Favorite Internet Videos

Sitting in the same hotel room in Michigan for a few weeks can leave someone with a powerful urge to do, literally, ANYTHING other than watch Netflix. SO, inspired by this mitten states unrelenting monotony, I'm gonna' actually do something I had joked about for a while, namely, make the least important or relevant list ever made by anyone including Buzzfeed.

This was inspired by my girl, Molly, who is always sick of me saying "this is one of my favorite _____". She can't ever keep it straight and she thinks I just sling that around all willy nilly.

Well suck it, I made the list, now you know I'm for real. I used to write about music but music is dead, long live the Youtube video.

Moving forward with actually picking the videos was tough, and I wasn't sure what criteria to use. Do they have to be limited by original content? Should they only be originated on Youtube? Do music videos count?

Ultimately I decided to take it easy on myself because the reason I'm doing this is to avoid death at the end of a towel wrapped around a shower nozzle and I didn't want to make it any harder on myself.
My criteria ended up ultimately to be.

• A video I saw originally ON the internet
• Anything primarily hosted/kept alive on the web, even if it ORIGINATED somewhere else.
• And most importantly, a video I find myself returning to year after year, a lasting favorite. 

And lastly, these are just my personal favorites, don't get shitty about it.

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ANYWHO NUMBER 1.

A video I came to call "Everybody Luhvs Buttah, but the more accurate description of it really lies in the original title. The gist of this thing is a man's two dogs are in the middle of making puppies and they get stuck together and then turned around...

But that's not what makes this video amazing. What makes it amazing is the narrator is, I can GUESS MAYBE some kind of South Asian, maybe Vietnamese and he DEFINITELY has a bad cold. Maybe. I'm not too sure.

The hilarious voiceover combined with the preposterous situation leads to one of the most quotable vids of this whole list, with classics such as "Soah sick mang" and "Are you hurting". I owe this guy forever for giving me those lines to use in my everyday life.

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NUMBER TWO!

This is a video of a Scottish man traveling from Edinburgh, Scotland (yeah suck it UK) to his hometown Dunvegan, roughly a 250 mile trek. He takes his bike with him.

On the way he does some of the most jaw dropping stunts and maneuvers this intrepid reporter has ever seen on two wheels. Granted I am not in tune with the world of badass bicycling but fuck it, it impressed the hell out of me.

Set to a pair of gorgeous songs (Wax and Wire, by Loch Lomond and A Little Piece by The Jezabels) which I bump in my car to this day, Danny MacAskill travels the jaw dropping English countryside, and rips the shit out of it with his bike, and presumably his 50lb testicles.

Something about the urban/suburban environment and tricks really touches with me, I think because I have a real life frame of reference to the size and scope of the objects and set pieces he's doing his moves on/against.





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NUBMER THREE!

I will never stop coming back to this video. I will be 106 years old and the memory of Elementary School music class recorder practice will have long faded, and I will still re-watch this video.

It's as simple as it can possibly get, and the reason it's so great is that it is simple. Everybody knows the 20th Century Fox title card, and everyone was tormented by the worst fucking instrument ever created as a child.

The rest writes itself. The shrill horrible sounds of the devil's woodwind, against the brass and timpani of the world's most well known production studio.





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NUMBER FOUR!

The man that many people, including myself, have called the "greatest politician ever to serve in office" started a revolution in 2008. By bringing attention to the disastrous wars and continuous plundering of American wealth by the Federal government, Ron Paul rallied a nations worth of people, young and old, to his side.

This clip is part of his FINAL speech to the House of Representatives, where he served the State of Texas for 23 years.

A champion of peace, and the prime reason the word "Libertarian" is still even mentioned in the political sense at all, Dr. Paul asked a series of questions about the US and the world at large. Questions which the general populace has forgotten to ask themselves, as of late.

Anyway political ramblings aside, this is super inspirational and one of the reasons I line up the way I do at the ballot box.

(Also, please try and get past the douchey font and the fedora-clad uploader, I chose this version cuz of the badass Metallica song, but you can find the clean version yourself if you wanna be boring)




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NUMBER FIVE!

Whew that last one was a bit much, so let this next video be your cathartic reprieve.

I love Nicholas Cage. Not in an ironic "The Room is the greatest movie ever" kind of way. I GENUINELY love Nick Cage. That man has run the gamut of films 100%, he's done every type of movie you could imagine, and for, whatever reason, in a SIGNIFICANT CHUNK OF THEM, he freaks the FUCK out.

Nick losing his shit has become a party favorite of mine, perhaps moreso than any of these other videos, because.

A. most people haven't seen his lesser known works and therefore haven't seen the contents of this video

and B. I can recite EVERY CLIP WORD FOR WORD. It takes every ounce of strength not to shout along with the maestro as he yells things like "I'M A VAMPIRE, I'M A VAMPIRE" or "DO YOU THINK I'M A FUCKING RETARD MAN, HUH???!?!?!"

HI FUCKING YAHHHHHHHHH





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NUMBER SIX!

I don't expect you to watch this bad mother, because its a 7 part video series and clocks in at a little over an hour. (Please watch at least the first few minutes) But the Red Letter Media review/takedown of Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace is the most masterful smashing of a shitty movie on the entire internet, bar none.

One of the founders of RLM, Mike Stoklasa, developed a character named Mr. Harry Plinkett to use in a negative review of a Star Trek movie, because "his own voice sounded boring". Plinkett is described as "cranky", a "schizophrenic", and "psychotic" whose voice has been characterized as "a cross between Dan Aykroyd in The Blues Brothers and The Silence of the Lambs' Buffalo Bill"

It is in this voice and manner that Stoklasa tears down the most disappointing movie of all time, a film that, at the time, young Jack had been critical of, but never thought about with the depth required to truly despise it. This video helped me achieve that goal.

So if you have the time, and you want a good laugh, enjoy this. It's better than the movie.





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NUMBER SEVEN!


Look, everyone is sick of their one friend on Facebook who constantly shares TED Talk videos, and part of you wonders if they even watch the damn things, or if they curate their likes based on the titles alone.

Well, agent provocateur and banished comedian Sam Hyde was sick of it, and decided to knock 'em down a peg. In this video, Hyde, dressed in a roman gladiators outfit over a maroon sweatsuit, delivers a rambling, buzz-word filled lecture called 2070: Paradigm Shift.

Sam tricked the organizers of TedX, an independant offshoot of the more popular TED talk, into thinking he was a humanitarian who had returned from Somalia on a mission to lower crime rates by teaching the locals to pick up trash. They bought it hook, line and sinker, and soon Hyde was on stage in front of college students, preaching about how the future will look when the world adopts "a trash economy, where everyone uses cubes of trash for money. It will be a gold rush", and "State enforced homosexuality, it's equal!".

When Sam gets everyone in the audience to pat themselves on the back to congratulate themselves for saving the world, the sense of satisfaction is incredibly strong. Of course eventually everyone (probably) catches on to the gag, and starts laughing along with him. But for a while, at least, he got 'em good.





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NUMBER EIGHT!


I fully acknowledge that even the most charismatic, charming, well spoken person could be taken down by a well constructed compilation video. That being said, 2012 presidential candidate Mitt Romney is truly one of the most awkward, weird, peculiar specimens in the public spotlight in the last two decades.

Mitt, ESPECIALLY in this video, comes off like the robot Martians would create if they internet searched "Human Being" but used, like, Bing or something...

A truly great send off to the one-time possible leader of the free world, "Mitt Romney and the Infinite Sadness" compiles the best moments of Martian software glitches and social weirdness that was the guy Republicans chose to challenge Barack Obama.

So regardless of your politics, I hope all can appreciate that this dude would have made us look super weird.





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NUMBER NINE!


I don't want to say I'm a cynical person, but I definitely have been called that.

In the Academy Awards, there's something known as a "Career Oscar" which is given to someone for their efforts on, maybe not their STRONGEST outing, but as an acknowledgment of their work as A WHOLE.

Consider number 9 here a career placing for one of the most "underrated" and tremendous comedians working today, Mr. Doug Stanhope.

This video, part of a short lived series called "This is Why I Drink", has Doug at his most cynical, prodding self. A short declaration of why you shouldn't get in a tizzy over the negative news cycle, and that you PROBABLY didn't marry who you should have.

I will admit, seeing this video at a young age probably tilted me a bit towards his perspective, but I can't help but come back to his words of "wisdom" and wonder if, I too, will have "probably, statistically high, vegas odds" of nothing significant ever happening to me in my entire life.

There are better Stanhope videos out there, and I ENCOURAGE you to seek them out, but this one will always be near and dear to my half empty heart.






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NUMBER TEN!

This one had to be special. When thinking about a list of favorite internet videos, there's an exclusive section in my brain dedicated to "the before times". Videos that were huge before Youtube existed. It's hard to quantify now, but everyone used to have a handful of 4-5 content sites to pull from when showing their friend videos on dial up internet.

Jib-Jab, Albino Blacksheep, New Grounds, there are plenty of old-golds out there, and, almost depressingly, MOST of the videos you remember passing around, don't hold up.

One does though, in my book at least. The second in a series of videos mocking the then-popular (is David Blaine still around?) magician David Blaine stands out as a favorite.

On the backs of two guys doing early 2000's gay characters, Street Magic Part 2 is infinitely quotable, and still funny to this day. The battle cry of "WHAT THE EFF?!?" is still used in my circle regularly, and the finale of the video is legitimately genius.

The internet of old produced a lot of content, about a third of it was good, and this one stands the test of time,






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Thanks for reading, friends. I hope some of these were new to you, and they make their way into YOUR Youtube parties in the future.

Now if you'll forgive me, I have to watch Netflix in Detroit for another week.

- J

Why The New Star Wars Trailer Is A Really Big Deal.

On October 30th, Disney bought Lucasfilm to the sweet tune of around 4 billion dollars, sending massive waves through, well, everywhere. This was huge news, and it took a while for me to wrap my head around it completely. Die hard Star Wars fans have learned to approach news about our beloved franchise with a grain of salt. Like a thrice-wronged lover, we had thick skins and practiced looks of skepticism, well honed over years of taking punch after punch from a company we once loved, but have now grown to distrust. 

                                                   "...fool us 4 or more times, shame on you."

My love of the franchise started on my 8th birthday. Held at the now defunct Rain Forest Cafe, my parents proudly presented me with a VHS collection of the original trilogy, bound in triumphant gold and silver cardboard, those three tapes became my entire identity. Star Wars became the first thing I ever truly loved. I expected nothing from it and gave it everything. Hours spent playing with action figures, writing adventures down in my journal, reading the extended universe books, walking the aisles at Toys R' Us, looking at toys I didn't have. Right now, from where I sit in my bedroom, I can see the following. 

• 1 toy X-Wing
• 1 toy Tie-Fighter (Vader's Model)
• 1 Master Replica Skywalker Lightsaber (priced around 300$)
• 2 Theatrical posters for IV and VI (V is in the living room)
• 3-5 Star Wars T-Shirts in my closet
• 3 Kinder Egg star wars collectible figures
• 2 official screenplays for A New Hope and Empire
• 1 vintage issue of Rolling Stone featuring the first cover story ever run on the movie

 You get the general idea.

                                 "Sure, you laugh now, but you've never had a van full of  cosplay Tusken

                                           Raiders hit you with Gaffi Sticks."

In a few hours, Disney will release the first trailer for Episode 7: The Force Awakens, and the world will change. Let me back that ludicrous statement up before I come off as nuts.

Disney is a no-frills company... I know that sounds silly to say that of an organization best known for slinging movies with princesses in them for nearly 7 decades, but it's true. They do NOT, do, losses. Disney has become meticulous for trimming the fat, crafting the product until they know for sure it will make them their money back. If you actually sit down and try to name cinematic flops to come from the House of Mouse, you can barely come up with 5, if that. 

                                         "Yeah, sorry about that Mickey, I... OH GOD, MY LEGS"

My point is this. Disney bought Lucasarts for 4 BILLION dollars. They wrestled one of the most beloved franchises in history away from a man who tried his hardest to torpedo the thing nearly his entire adult life. If you don't think they will put their absolute best and brightest on this, the quest to restore Star Wars to all of it's former glory (and make back those 4 B's), you'd be fooling yourself. 

So we come to today. Today is important because with the release of this first trailer, Disney is attacking the world on all fronts. 

1. They will revitalize what it probably the most lucrative media market of all time. Everyone knows that Toy Boy Lucas was a shrewd genius when it came to the marketing of his product, even going so far as to base the outcomes of his films around which toys they could sell off of them. With a whole new trilogy out there, a veritable landslide of cash will bury Disney up to their eyeballs as a whole new wave of children will come stampeding in to stores around the world, doing exactly what I did when I first wandered the hallowed halls of Toys R' Us.

With that being said...

2. Bringing new fans, and old, in to the fold. As stated above, veteran fans of the series approach developments like this with a healthy dose of skepticism, as well they should. But with this fresh approach to the franchise, THREE generations of movie goers will, cautiously peek out from behind their shields of disdain, and one by one, walk back in to the loving, welcoming arms of Star Wars.

Beyond the armies of children that will drag their parents to the theater, old fans will show up in droves, ready to be converted back. 

3. Starting one of the biggest media blitzes the world has ever seen. Today is about more than just a trailer for a movie that won't come out for more than a year. It's about building an Empire (pun super intended). Starting with this trailer, we will see the systematic rolling of the largest ball of hype ever rolled through the public's eye. Starting today we will see a slow build to provide adequate public excitement for the most ambitious multi-media project in memorable history. This is about not only episode 7, but the next two, and EVERY piece of merchandise that goes along with it. Aside from MAYBE the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Star Wars is poised to become the biggest franchise on the planet. And it all starts today, with one, 90 second trailer. 

                                                           "So get hype. Get very hype"

So drink it in, fellow fans. We should take a moment to remember that that which is most dear to us is in very capable hands. All reports and hints that we have gotten or seen so far indicate greatness. And as I was writing this, the trailer was released. It's more than I could have ever hoped for in a minute and a half. Amongst my tears of joy I found myself laughing, and cheering, a roller coaster of emotions packed into one morning, to be sure.

In case you want to watch it again, here it is. We've got a long year ahead of us, but we can manage. 

Remember to breathe.

My Top 5, All Time: Best Live Musical Experiences

I go to a lot of shows. I justify it to myself as being a vice, where some people go to bars, some go dancing, I go see live music. I love watching musicians perform, and it certainly makes sense, I rarely spend minutes of my life where some kind of music isn't playing. I once got told off by my boss, "you can't go dancing down the hallways like that, it's not professional". (I think I was listening to Pretty Lights, so I can hardly be blamed).

I'm setting out to compile one of the harder lists. Not the best shows I've ever seen, no, that is not something I think I will ever be able to do. This is, instead, intended to be a highlights reel, of sorts. Singular moments, rather than entire evenings. Hopefully I can convince a few folks that some nights are worth spending 80$ on. Seeing a band, a group of people, work their ass off to play for you, is truly a night well spent

Time for me to escape from the vanilla rambling of the preamble, and buckle down and make this thing. Oh this is gonna' be tough...

#1

The Show

The Moment

"There is no pain, you are receding..." I remember the EXACT moment I became a Pink Floyd fan. Little 'ol 13-14 year old  Jack was sitting on a train, by himself, bound away to North Carolina to visit my first "girlfriend". My parents had made me a mix CD for the trip, 'cause they are the coolest. Burrowed in between classic cuts from The Band, Elvis Costello, and Joe Jackson was a song by the name of "Us and Them", from Floyd's immortal "Dark Side of the Moon". I remember being spellbound by the crashing waves of sound that threatened to engulf me, the train I was on, and the whole world as far as I knew. 

Fast forward to my 22nd birthday, my Father called me over with a sly grin and presented me and my brother with tickets to see the Roger Waters, the genius behind the music of a generation, perform The Wall, in it's entirety.

The show was incredible, the greatest production value I've ever seen on display, period. Nosebleed seats though they were, the sound quality was superb, and I was having the time of my life. 

"A distant ships' smoke on the horizon"  But when it came time for Comfortably Numb, the full gravity of it all really hit me. A song about dulling the pain of a weary life, the room became smaller, and bigger at the same time. The guitar rang out clearer and sharper than any instrument I've heard before, David Gilmours' solo cutting through the massive arena like a knife, extenuating the enormity in scope of the song, the moment, the show itself, while in the same, slow breath, reducing the scene to a tiny, empty, 1 room apartment. I could feel the tourniquet around my arm and I could hear the sharp gasp escape, right before the world is made hazy and warm. 

It's the only time in my life that live music has moved me to tears, and I don't think that high mark will ever be touched again.

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#2

The Show

The Moment

"All alone, by myself, where were you?" Nine Inch Nails, to me, has for as long as I can remember, been so much more than just a band. They've been with me through adolescence, and in to adulthood, always helping me navigate the narrow corridors and open fields of the human condition. Trent Reznor and his music has been a totem for me, a means to channel whatever was going on at the time into something I could grab on to and interact with. 

After missed opportunity after missed opportunity, hiatus, nearly dying, another hiatus, an Oscar, and claims of retirement, Trent surprised the musical world "Hesitation Marks". The tour announced alongside it was truly massive, and I without a second thought I bought up tickets for myself and all those closest to me. 

The day of the show was a spectacular success, we met a new friend, saw the monuments, and laughed and joked in DC, on a beautiful afternoon. When showtime rolled around we situated ourselves near the rail and were treated to a terrifying display of musical aptitude from Godspeed You! Black Emperor. Nine Inch Nails took the stage and without hesitation, launched into one of the most cacophonous sets I've ever had the pleasure to witness. Every song was met with massive approval from the swelling, tumbling, writhing mass of fans.

"So impressed with all you do..." After the first encore, the stage was awash in fog. I will never forget the smell, the feeling of foreboding and electric excitement, every nerve in my body on fire as I, along with 13 thousand others, waited for the return of our champion. The band took the stage to the comforting, sedative melodies of "A Warm Place", an instrumental track from the dark, grueling album, The Downward Spiral. Little did I know, this song was merely a decoy, used to lure us into a trap, and the jaws began to close. I recognized the wicked guitar strokes, snaking through the fog and darkness immediately as the first track on The Fragile, my #5 or so favorite album of all time. The punishing, unforgiving, "Somewhat Damaged". 

The song I had used countless times to release the energy I had no way of releasing otherwise, the song I first heard when I was 16 and thought, "this man has been through something". I've screamed myself hoarse and pounded my steering wheel 'til my hands bruised to this song. I've lived to this song. The next 3 minutes were a blur as I exploded with pent up energy alongside my fellow travelers. 

The closing minute of the track was a stomping, brutal, screaming whirlwind. The final lyrics, echoing around the arena, "Like you said, you and me, 'We'll make it through'. Didn't quite. Fell apart. Where the fuck were you?" Even now I feel drained thinking about it. The ultimate catharsis, the message of emotional deliverance, dispatched in passionate fury from the man who taught me that it's OK to be a little damaged.

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#3

The Show

The Moment

"Open your mouth wide..." To say that Radiohead is my favorite band wouldn't be far from the truth, no matter how much I try to shy away from absolutes in music. I began paying attention in 09', after the release of the masterpiece album, "In Rainbows". The group released the follow up album, "The King of Limbs", as almost an afterthought. A surprise March drop that was announced nowhere previously and had very little hype behind it. It was instantly devoured by hungry fans and the record became one of the sleeper hits of the bands career, with B-Sides being released as an addendum to the brief album coming months later. Live performances breathed new life into the tight tracks and let them flourish and grow, and the more we heard of the 8 songs, the more they bloomed.

The day the tickets went on sale was the most excited I had ever been while trying to spend hundreds of dollars. In alternating shifts, my sister and I spent 9 hours capturing the elusive GA seats. A warm day in June was the stage set for our final wait in DC before the lads from England took the stage.

"And while the ocean blooms, It's what keeps me alive" The minutes leading up to the start of the set were the longest minutes of my life. The kinetic energy in the arena was palpable, the whole room was electric. When they came out, I couldn't really take it all in, I had seen the group before, but from awful seats. To see Thom, music incarnate, 15 feet from me, I was reduced to a grinning, giddy mess. They opened the show with the track that opens the newest record. A gorgeous, swelling song appropriately titled, "Bloom". This was the song I was listening to when I first managed to snag the tickets, I remember the feeling of relief and joy, and I just let it wash over me. A song that makes you feel like you're weaving through tall grass, at the mercy of nature. A song that makes you feel small in a big world. Halfway through the song, Thoms' falsetto soars in a triumphant yell along with the rest of the band, taking flight to hover high above the earth. It rips you from the comfortable solitude of a grassy forest through the water and over the ocean. During that short, 15 seconds I was the happiest person on the face of the planet.

The rest of the show was an emotional road trip, the band drew you in effortlessly, and it was impossible to tear away. They played all the songs I wanted to hear, and it wears the crown as my favorite concert I've ever been to. Few groups can really make you feel like you're flying, and Yorke and company have been doing it for 20 years, with the horizon in front and no landing in sight.

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#4

The Show

The Moment

"Well it's one, two, three, four take the elevator..." Jack White is almost as responsible for my taste in music as my parents were. I remember clearly the first time I heard "Seven Nation Army" announce it's calamitous approach. I remember thinking, "This is it, this is what rock music should sound like". It was the first song Travis ever learned on guitar, I remember Josh complaining about how he wouldn't stop playing it. My life partner and I have a mutual love for blues rock, and in our eyes, Jack sits firmly on the throne as it's king. So naturally when we saw he was headlining the first night at the inaugural Firefly Music Festival, we grabbed tickets immediately. 

There were many memories made on that trip. Travis and I were two souls on a mission to northern Delaware, to see the idol who reared us musically. The man who made it cool to play the Blues again. Standing a few rows away from the front, we waited anxiously, through John Legends' set and the hour afterwards of waiting for White. His band announced his presence before he did, a hand picked cast of musical anarchists. The manic, thunderous beats from the drummer increased to a head, and out strode the man himself. Tall, swagger in his step, he approached his guitar and started peeling out absolutely furious licks as he thrashed around stage and wordlessly commanded each musician to step in line. 

"'Cause if I'm the man that you love the most, you could say 'I do' at least!" After a euphoric first few songs, Jack cast aside his electric guitar and picked up an old, wooden and steel acoustic. He asked us to sing along if we knew the words, and strummed out the playful first notes to The White Stripes classic, Hotel Yorba. A favorite of mine and Travis', we were absolutely elated, singing along to every note as Jack dutifully strummed along. Halfway through the song, it broke, and Jack beckoned with his hands for us to take over for him. As the we finished the verse for him, we looked at each other and screamed out the lyric, both our faces absolutely beaming. 

I'll never forget that moment I shared with my best friend of 20 years. A midst the dirt and the sweat and the noise we bonded, for the untold millionth time, over a mutual love for music that has helped keep us together this long. Thanks for that, Jack. See you next week.

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#5

The Show

The Moment

"Do you like Rock n' Roll music, 'cause I don't know if I do" My life has been fairly extraordinary, given' that I'm a fairly simple guy. I like music, friends, and I go to shows for the memories I will have forever of the combination of the two. 

I'll get right to it. At Arcade Fire's show in Washington DC, me and some of the best people in my life were asked to come on stage with the band as part of the shows' revelatory closing act. Initially skeptical, credit goes to Travis, of course, for throwing caution to the wind and convincing us to go along with the mysterious stage manager who approached us. We had our instructions and were escorted back stage to watch the show and wait for our moment. My heart was absolutely racing the entire time, and I honestly thought I was going to pass out in the catacombs of the Verizon Center. The Canadian group is, bar none, one of the finest touring bands of our generation. The show was a celebration of life, an event for the ages, with the band ripping through their discography filled with unbound energy and joy. 

"I've never really ever been a normal person" When the time came, we were brought on stage with the band, wearing giant, paper mache heads in the groups likeness. In front of 19 thousand people, we danced, sung and took in the energy of the crowd. Through small holes I breathed it all in, I felt like a piece in the greatest puzzle ever put together. Directly in front of me was the incomparable Regine Chassagne, singing and playing the steel drum. To my left was Win Butler, makeup clad front man for these titans of music. The song was Normal Person, a searing, righteous track from the bands newest effort, Reflektor. In synchronization with the band and the crowd, we pumped our fists in time with the tracks iron clad statement against the mundane. A refusal to go quietly into the night, back to our jobs, our bills, our lives outside of this cathedral of youthful bliss. It felt like a dream, looking through those masks on the faces of thousands who would have given anything to be where we were. After we left the stage, we joined the crowd for Wake Up, the cathartic anthem that helped put the band on the map. Singing at the top of our lungs we bade the band farewell, and we departed.

The next day I could hardly come to grips with reality, that I had really just done and seen all that my brain said I did. For the rest of my life I will remember that night, with the music and the people I love. That song will be special and dear to me now, a reminder to never let myself become lumped in with the rest of the worlds dreariness. The very reason we were picked is because of the energy we gave off and the unwillingness to fall in to line. As long as I live I will strive never to be the Normal Person, and instead, exude as much life and energy and excitement as I did at that concert, on that stage. 

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Thanks for reading.

-Jack

Under Control - Lake Jackson

Me and Zack have been shackled with the burdens of social responsibility for too long! Finally, today, after a rousing bit of World Cup action we got to sit down with a mutual favorite track of ours and knock it down. We both got to see these legends of garage fury this month in New York City, an experience leaving us floored and brimming with enthusiasm for the lads to get back to the studio.

One of the softest songs in their repertoire but powerful in it's own right, it croons a message at us that we can all relate to and surely take to heart.

With my debut on drums in the recording world, here is, Under Control by The Strokes

We Looked Like Giants - Lake Jackson

It's been a long time. Summer is upon us and that means that all of the lovely youth of Virginia is free to pursue their dreams and aspirations, or just dick around. This is a track by the jewel of the indie crown, a band that I grew up loving thanks to an old friend. This may be the proudest I've been about anything we've recorded, and was ecstatic to finally come home to the lake to finish it.

This song reminds me of cool, dew soaked drives through the wooded area I grew up in, and of people I haven't seen in a long time. Huge thanks to everyone who helped on the track.

Here, proudly stands, We Looked Like Giants by Death Cab for Cutie

People As Songs: Part 1

There is a little bit of music in everyone I suppose, after all, songs are just stories for the most part. I am setting out to pick the pieces of music that best represent some dear friends of mine. Represent via individual lyrics, overarching themes, or just general feel. Now obviously this is completely subjective, and just my opinions. Some of these may seem out of left field, some you may disagree with. Feel free to throw words like, "pretentious drip", or, "over analyzing drangle" at me. I appreciate all feedback, and of course, still think highly of nearly all of you! Here's to new friends and great music.


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1: Sammi Lanzetta, your song is "Song 2" by Blur

Short, sweet, to the point. No Bullshit. You are the definition of a windows down, volume loud friend. One of my favorite all time driving songs, I have never failed to bounce around whenever it plays. I feel that much like the lyrics to the song, there are things people have trouble understanding about you. Beneath it's outward party appearance there is definitely a deeper current running through this track. It's your business though, to most of the world you keep it loud and fantastic. Two minutes of high fructose, kick ass attitude

"Pleased to meet you."

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2: Max Lindgren, your song is "The Only Living Boy In New York" by Simon & Garfunkel

One of the finest songs the duo ever put out in my humble opinion. A multi-faceted track that walks the line between buoyant and somber, the tune was written by Paul Simon as his partner left for Mexico for a movie shoot, leaving him behind in New York. Max, you never fail to offer the most cheery, uplifting comments to all of us lucky enough to call you friend. Your outlook on life seems to be one of self championed simplicity, and you wear it well. But I think there is a lonely side, a solemn part of you that shows it's head from time to time. A direct parallel to Simon losing his best friend and still managing to smile about it. Like the sun shining through clouds, it's sometimes hard to tell if it just started raining or finally stopped.

"I've got nothing to do today but smile"

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3: Taylor Edwards, your song is "Float On" by Modest Mouse

Almost painfully obvious. There are those that know you better, but to me, you are the embodiment of indomitability. This track marked a drastic change of sound for the Washingtonian trio. While they held on to a degree of their harshness, a clear reflection of maturity brought on by age came out. I don't think anything could keep you down, and if so, certainly not for long. A reminder to the rest of us to keep our chin up and wear a smile because it makes you prettier and helps you live longer. This is not to be mistaken for simplicity, just like Isaac acknowledges, life can and WILL get shitty, but keeping your head above water is easy if you have someone to float with. Here's to the current, and the raft.

"Don't worry, even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on"

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4: Ryad Chaoui, your song is "Hoppípolla" by Sigur Rós

There's not a chance on this earth that I will make it through this song without getting at least a little bit choked up, and I know nearly nothing about it besides what it makes me feel. You are beautiful man. You are unshackled by the burdens of corporeality, floating high above the rest of us. You have a smile that lights up the room and a laugh that makes me wonder why I'm not laughing with you. This song is one of the most uplifting pieces of music I have ever heard, and I put it on whenever I need a pick me up. The title translates to "Hopping into puddles", and echoes the simplistic wonder of enjoying life for what it is, a journey meant to be shared with those you care about. Sharing is easy when the person is as caring as you.

"Og g fae blo nasir, en g stend alltaf upp"
(And I get a nosebleed, but I always stand up)

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5. Paislee Jahed, your song is "She's Only 18" by Red Hot Chili Peppers

A song about the world as it is and the girl that will conquer it. This track has it all, attitude, warmth, sensuality, and a wicked sense of itself. You have potential in spades, Paislee. I see in you someone who could climb any mountain on the map, and the style to make it look easy. One of the most effortlessly cool people I know, you seem to shrug off everything you don't deem worthy of your time or energy with relative ease. Woe to anyone who may hold you down or drag you back, they won't be in the picture for long. Like the wailing guitar in the background, you approach life with a guided hand, but a cacophonous reverb. Folks can try to be cool, but they won't ever be Paislee cool.

"Knock the world off it's feet and straight onto it's head"


I hope you got a kick out of this, and hope nobody feels left out. I intend to come back and deliver more to all you lovely people. I am a lucky person to be burdened with the friendship of you folks, and I know you will continue to be great, and make me smile.

My Top 5, all time: Favorite Queens of the Stone Age Lyrics

When I was but a wee lad of 14, cast adrift in the sea of monotonous pop-punk, post-grunge nonsense that the radio had to offer, my thoughts always turned to the heroes I had been raised on. "Where are the bands that sound like Led Zeppelin?", I would think to myself quietly. Surely someone out there can take up the mantle of sexy, groovin', bad ass blues/hard rock that the mighty Zep left on the floor. Now I know, of course, that there were always bands making a go at it, but they had no way of finding my young ears.

Then, like a magical thunderbolt, hurled out of the depths of the California desert, came the album "Lullabies to Paralyze". Upon hearing that album, I held it aloft as the heir to the bad ass rock gods that I so revered. The first time the cowbell rang in on "Little Sister" I was immediately hooked, and had long discussions with my friends about how Queens and The White Stripes were going to save Rock and Roll. After discovering their back catalogs, I was swept along the sexy roller coaster of desert stoner bliss, past the grimy Lullabies, the sarcastic "Rated R", and the punishing, brooding "Songs for the Deaf".

Led by the towering viking inferno himself, Josh Homme, Queens has soldiered on past lineup changes, the ever changing landscape of popular music, one that was systematically rejecting guitar music, and even death. No rock band has made sexier music in the last 20 years, and at the center of it all was Hommes' defiant middle finger to anyone who dared question him or his majestic desert titans' siren song.

These are the cream of the crop, my personal, top 5 favorite Queens of the Stone Age lyrics, and convincing arguments as to why the group is one of the most important rock acts of our generation.

1: "They say those who can't, just instruct others / And act like victims or jilted lovers / You can't lose it if you never had it / Disappear man, do some magic 

You want a reason, how's about "because"? / You ain't a has been if you never was"
"Turnin on the Screw" - Era Vulgaris

A frantic, scrambled stomper that opens up the bands 5th album, "Turnin" is a playful song that puts a bullet in the head of all the bitter misfits out there who live and die by self defeating prophecies. Josh pleads with the disenchanted masses to get out there and get some shit done, to go realize their full potential, or christ, at least have a better attitude about it. After a chaotic, off tempo guitar halestorm, Homme relents, saying "fuck it, bitter is in fashion" and jumps right in with them for a tight outro with a gorgeous vocal accompaniment from current Queen, Troy Van Leeuwen. The album runs the gamut from sexy, to brooding, to downright scary, but the opening track will have you dancing your ass off as Josh flirts with the cretins, crooning a weary "I'm a mess I guess, I'm turnin' on the screw"

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2: "Ain't gonna' worry. Just live 'till you die, I wanna' drown / With nowhere to fall into the arms of someone. / There's nothing to save I know, you live 'till you die"
"In the Fade" - Rated R

The darkness before the dawn on the album that defines the struggle of addiction and depression. Amidst the excess and torment the album pummels you with, Homme allows a brief reprieve in the form of this comforting, borderline optimistic tune, reminding the listener that you are always able to pull yourself up and out of whatever you're stuck in, and move forward with your life. After weary admissions of depression and heartbreak, Josh defiantly states that he won't worry, that he'll soldier on past the crippling bleakness of the characters life as depicted by Rated R. In an almost fiendish plot twist, when all seems well, the song crashes to conclusion with a reprisal of the albums cacophonous opening track, with throat shredding shrieks of submission to all that life has to offer him "Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol".

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3: "Most of what you see my dear, is purely for show / Because not everything that goes around, comes back around you know / Holding on too long is just a fear of letting go / Because not everything that goes around, comes back around you know / One thing that is clear, It's all downhill from here."
"Like Clockwork" - Like Clockwork

The crushingly beautiful ending to one of the finest albums of 2013, Josh takes to the piano to remind us that even desert vikings had a soft side. After dying on an operating table after a botched knee operation, Homme regained consciousness, and with it, a murky melancholy that can be heard all over "Like Clockwork". A sweeping slide guitar breaks up the ballad, accompanied by thunderous drums and a killer reverb that brings the album plummeting to it's knees for a sonic representation of a man at the end of his rope. "All the promises of stone, crumble in the light", Josh croons as a man wracked with grief and heartbreak, a soulful resignation to the truth of the matter, that people are going to always do what they want, and there's nothing you can do about it. The more you try and hold on to things, the more they will slip out of your fingers.

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4: "It's late enough to go drivin', and see what's mine / Life's the study of dying, how to do it right / You're a holy roller, if you're betting to lose / If you're hangin' around, I'm holding the noose"
"A Song for the Dead" - Songs for the Deaf

One the of dozens of examples I could point to of Josh Hommes' uncontrollable swagger. The attitude on this track practically slaps you in the face. A back to basics, hard rock behemoth, Song for the Dead is one of the most bad ass tracks the band has ever written, blasting out of the gate with long time collaborator Dave Grohls' hands of god, Bonham incarnate drumming. A stabbing lyric, filled with that sarcasm that is painted all over the walls of the Queens' albums, Josh invokes a twisted version of the Budhist philosophy of dying by degrees. If you are wilting away second by second, why not make the most of it? Think mere mortality can restrain The Queens of the Stone Age? No way man.

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5: "Don't cry, with my toes on the edge it's such a lovely view / Inside, I never loved anything until I loved you / Confide, I'm over the edge, what can I do? / Sunshine, I've fallen through"
"I Appear Missing" - Like Clockwork

While Like Clockwork is the closing track on the album, this song is where the journey reaches it's end. A man on the edge of what he can handle, about to leap to cathartic freedom. A story of a broken person, obsessing over what he can't have, lamenting his unrequited love while he tumbles further down the rabbit hole. Battling depression for months after his near death experience, Homme leveled the playing field and brought his demons into the blinding spotlight of the mid-day sun. "It's only falling in love because you hit the ground", he spits as the song spirals into it's climactic end, with Josh on the edge, dangling his feet over the abyss of his own mortality.

Queens of the Stone Age has for nearly 20 years been affording us the opportunity to scream along, strut around, and shake our ass' to their unique brand of musical insanity. Josh's magnetic attraction has roped in the likes of Elton John, Trent Reznor, Alex Turner and Dave Grohl, bringing these titans of rock in to supplement but never to replace. To accent but never to dominate. Every Queens album is different than the next, with Josh striving to never get stuck in a rut, or do what's expected of him by anyone. Following firmly his business plan of not giving a shit, The Queens have launched salvos of sandy, musical missiles at us for years, each one more potent and biting than the next. Never losing his sexy strut, even in the midst of personal turmoil, the world owes a debt to Josh Homme, just as he owes a debt to whatever heathen rock gods he tricked into teaching him their talents. Thanks for saving 14 year old me from the barren landscape of rock radio, Josh. Here's to you